wicked inamorata

I’d love to open this post – in which I talk about balancing life – with a picture of Christie teetering on her black ballet boots. The reason that I can’t is actually a good example of why I’m choosing to write about balance: I’m writing this from a work computer, trying to squeeze in a few minutes to blog, and I don’t have access to my photos. The result is that I don’t do either thing – working or blogging – as well as either task deserves.

I don’t think I’m equipped to be an adult. That’s the conclusion I’ve reached after the last month or so, with the last two weeks being especially stressful. Nothing that’s stressing me is out of the ordinary. I’m simply struggling with the same things every one of you is struggling with: work, family, health, finances, and pleasure. 

I recently started going to the gym. My decision to finally start exercising after 37 years of avoiding it (I’ll save you the calculation: that means my entire life) was based on trying to get healthy. I’m getting older and starting to feel the consequences of a less-than-ideal diet and zero exercise. I lost 70 pounds in 6 months when I was 17 years old, using Weight Watchers, and I did not exercise for one single second. A little over a month ago, I cut white flour, potato, and sugar from my diet, and I severely cut my artificial sweeter intake (you’ll pry a daily can of Diet Coke out of my cold, dead hands).

I have lost 3 pounds. To give you some context, I am a size 26. Ten years ago, just giving up white bread – just white bread, mind you, nothing else – would have resulted in a 10 pound weight loss.

I was discouraged, but have tried to keep my rules in mind and now I’m learning about row machines and recumbent bikes and wondering if my body even produces endorphins. (Not yet. I’ll let you know.)

My point about the gym is that, if I’m going to go, I have to go after work or on the weekends. And, I’d like to go 3 times per week. But, the gym is commitment of about 3 hours per visit. It’s about an hour to get there and back, an hour working out, 45 minutes to shower, and another 15 minutes of miscellaneous – packing my bag, getting my workout clothes together, etc.

I do not have 3 hours to spent 3 times per week at the gym. On the other hand, I do not not have 9 hours per week to work on my physical health.

I’m planning our wedding. I’m helping my parents get their rental house ready for sale (a project that has gone on far longer than any of us anticipated). I’m working full time. I have doctors’ appointments, hair appointments, allergy shots. My car’s oil light has been on for about 4 weeks. I’m trying to maintain friendships with what is really a very small number of friends, but still means the occasional lunch or dinner. I keep my bills paid, but barely.

As I’ve written before, I’m an introvert, and that means that I get highly stressed if I don’t have sufficient down time. It has a been a very long time indeed since I’ve had sufficient down time.

Did you notice what wasn’t even in that paragraph of my list of commitments? Sex? Missing? Exactly. C and I are exhausted by 9 p.m. on weeknights. He works alternate weekends, which means we basically have every other Friday night and most Saturday nights to take the time we would like to spend really enjoying a kinky evening. We’ve been very good about keeping Saturday night sacred, but there’s not much throughout the week.

We’ve tried methods to keep “in touch” about our D/s relationship, even when we don’t have time or energy for sex. There were the nightly rituals of kissing my feet or a few cane swats on his ass. But, those things don’t work when we pass out asleep without meaning to. And, it can be difficult to get into the FLR mindset when I’m feeling completely incompetent and not good enough in every other area of my life.

We were down to a very simple moment each night. A very small, but precious moment. If C wishes for me to unlock the cock cage, he must strip naked, stand in front of me silently, and fold his hands behind his head. I love that brief moment, when I can run my fingers down his stomach, watch his eyes go to the ceiling (because he’s no more in the FLR mindset than I am and he’s therefore terribly embarrassed, which I enjoy), and tease him about whether I’ll grant his request. So far, I always do. For that brief moment, we reconnect. There are some weeks when our lives don’t give us any more than those nightly moments.

Last weekend, C developed an irritated or blocked lymph channel. We can’t even think about cock-related sexual activity until at least a week after the irritation is gone. No cock cage.

In case you were wondering, this is the real life of a “24/7″ lifestyle couple.

We’ve been back to our FLR for about two weeks now, and already I feel differently about it than I did during our first year. I used to worry about making sure C’s sexual needs were always met. It may seem counterintuitive, but the sexual needs of a caged sissy are great. She wants constant teasing, both physical and mental. A sissy replaces the common male desire to fuck and cum as often as possible with the desire to be teased and denied… as often as possible. Since he was “sacrificing” by being caged and doing all the nice things for me that I wanted, I reasoned, I needed to make sure his sexual needs were met. That meant that I sometimes met his needs even when I didn’t share his needs, if you know what I mean.

That’s not to say that I didn’t like what we were doing or that I faked anything (faking anything related to sex is so wrong ladies – don’t do it!), but I would definitely forgo reading the book I’d waited all day to read, or I’d stay up far later than was good for either of us. 

I’m feeling much more empowered this time around. Part of it is because C and I have been together another year and I’m more confident in our relationship. I don’t worry that he’ll leave at the first sign of an issue, because I trust that we’ll talk about any problems before they go too far. Also, I feel much more comfortable in my role as the leader. I know what’s expected of me, and I know how to evaluate what’s best for us. And, sometimes, what’s good for us is a decent night’s sleep or a mistress who’s happy because she got to read a few pages of that book she thought about all day.

C has joked (but wasn’t really joking) that I’m heavy on the denial and light on the teasing this time around. It’s true. At only two weeks in, we’ve had sex – of any kind – only a handful of times, rather than the daily sex we were having several months ago. But, we’re still connecting. Still flirting. Still touching. Still enjoying the nightly ritual. Still sharing knowing glances about the locked plastic keeping my property safe and out of the way.

The old me would have worried when C complained. I would ratcheted up the sexting and unlocked him every night. The problem with that approach is it isn’t what I want. I want to work on my overwhelming projects at work. I want to polish my nails in peace. I want to read that damned book I can’t seem to ever finish. Besides, nobody said I can’t read while having my feet worshiped. Sissy Christie will just have learn that there’s more to serving me and keeping me pleased than giving those terms lip service while begging for hand jobs.

Sometimes, serving me means holding still while I stroke her to the brink of a forbidden orgasm. Other times, it has absolutely nothing to do with her sexual pleasure. Either way, it’s up to me. And isn’t that what we both signed up for?

Re-entry into our FLR life has begun. This week is analogous to the opening ceremonies of the Olympics: lots of anticipation and celebration, but the Big Show hasn’t officially kicked off just yet. This Saturday, we’re going to an arboretum and out to dinner (C is paying, of course), and then we’re having a formal meeting to discuss how to proceed with our FLR. The Principles have served us well. Now that we have lived them for a year, it’s time to tweak them to suit our realities.

One thing C and I are interested in adding is for me to be financial dominant. We’ve tip-toed around the subject, neither of us willing to unequivocally say we want “in,” but it’s clear that we’re both itching to try it. Our inaugural experience was last Fall. I gave C the task to fix my coffee each workday morning for a week, and to pay me $5 if he failed to do so. He failed twice. I’d never seriously taken his money, and I think he was nervous about actually paying, because he didn’t want to look foolish if I was kidding. I wasn’t kidding. 

Finances are a touchy subject for me. My greatest weakness is my finances. I filed for bankruptcy when I was 23 and have recovered from that, but the issues that put me into such a dark monetary situation remain. I have just enough income to pay my bills, which makes me sad because I can’t do half of the things I’d like to do (light traveling, manicures to treat myself, pretty handbags, etc.). I medicate the sadness by buying inconsequential things (books, apps, dining out too often), which, in turn, eats up my modest income so that I can’t do half the things I’d like to do. It’s an ugly cycle, and it is my fault, for not being more disciplined.

Also, I’ve never taken money from anyone that didn’t provide the DNA to ensure my birth. I’ll be damned if I’ll ever owe my romantic partner anything because he spend some cash on me somewhere down the line. Add to that my $160k+ in student loans, and you have a woman who tears up when she sits down to pay her bills every two weeks. In my assessment, the biggest problem C takes on by marrying me is that he’ll be marrying my inability to get it together financially. However, C is really good about finances. It’s one of his strengths.

With regard to the vanilla side of relationships, my philosophy is that couples should distribute responsibilities according to each person’s strengths. When we first discussed the possibility of trying an FLR, I balked at the idea. I don’t want all the responsibility in our relationship. It’s contrary to the “delegate according to strengths” approach. My biggest strength for our household is that I’m a great administrator. I’m highly organized, keeping appointments, paperwork, and schedules together. While C has lost – like, permanently, order-a-replacement lost – his Social Security card three times since we met in 2009, I can find my 4th grade journal in under 30 seconds.

I realized that, as our administrator, I can delegate responsibilities and still maintain the FLR. C becomes responsible for – but not “in charge of” – whatever I think is best for us as a couple. As the administrator and leader of our FLR, it’s my job to make sure we do what’s best for our relationship. Which brings us back to our finances. We’re getting married later this year, and we’re working our way through the crucial pre-marital conversations, including full financial disclosures. We haven’t decided yet, but we may try a year of C being responsible for both of our finances – paying bills, budgeting, even telling me what money I have to spend on the unnecessaries. On paper, this violates the FLR. 

But…

I’ve discovered a wonderful, fabulous way to have my cake and eat it, too. C should be the person responsible for our money when we’re married. It’s his strength and my weakness, and I want us to operate financially as a couple, and not two separate states. That doesn’t make him financially in charge, though. 

You see, Dear Reader, the love of my life and my darling sissy is obsessed with professional sports. A lot of sports. He watches an average of 2 games per day each week. All year. Maybe one day each year  there is no baseball, football, ice hockey, basketball, soccer, lacrosse, fighting to watch. I don’t mind watching a game now and again, but lately my blood pressure rises when I hear the cadence of sportscasters’ banter. And, oh, those fucking refs’ whistles…

Last year, I locked out the sports channels and C had to ask my permission to watch a game. The problem with that system was I never said no, and it annoyed the piss out of me to have to get up to unlock the channel.

So, starting Sunday, Sissy Christie has a new rule:
1. For each game she wishes to watch, she must pay me $7.50.
2. This applies to any sport, any event, any game, for any reason, on any tv/screen/computer/radio broadcast. It does not apply to SportsCenter or Pardon the Interruption. But it may, eventually.
3. She has a 3 game credit – the first three games of each week are free.
4. “Weeks” run Sunday to Sunday at 12 a.m.
5. Charges apply when she watches more than 5 seconds of any one game, regardless of whether the seconds are consecutive. It’s 5 seconds of any one game, period.
6. She may pay weekly, rather than per-game.

She may be the one making sure our bills are paid, but she’ll be a far cry from being in charge of our money. I love this life.